What Our Starbucks Orders Say About Us
What is a Starbucks order if not a window to someone’s soul? A glance into a person’s psyche and an opportunity to learn more about who they are as a person? At least, that’s what we believe at NAV.
Each of us has a standard, go-to order we get when we go to Starbucks. And, whether we realize it or not, we can all learn a lot about each other based on those orders. So let’s take a look at what our go-to Starbucks drink orders say about us.
Morgan - Iced Brown Sugar Oat Milk Shaken Espresso
Morgan understands that concocting a Starbucks order is fundamentally more science than art, and science must be exact at all costs. The drink should not be hot, the sugar should not be absent of molasses, the milk should not be contaminated with dairy, and above all, the elements should not, simply cannot, be stirred when they can be shaken instead. The formula must be precise, as ordering coffee is a precise endeavor. In fact, Morgan’s coffee order is so optimized that Starbucks had the wits to put it on their written menu, despite how elaborate it sounds.
What this all means is that Morgan is in a relentless pursuit of perfection, and why shouldn’t she be? When something can be as magnificent as possible, do we not owe it to ourselves to seek such a result? They say life is about simple pleasures, but simple pleasures are for losers who haven’t cracked the code. Life is about the optimized, methodical pursuit of grander pleasure - and what pleasure could be grander than the iced brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso?
Of course, that never-ending pursuit can be a bit distracting, which must be the reason Morgan always forgets to eat breakfast in the morning. The more prepared of us might include a sausage, egg, and cheddar sandwich with our order to support Morgan while she fixates on mastering the coffee order.
Jo - Vanilla Latte with Soy
Jo is an admirer of the classics. Sure, you know people who like to hate the movies and songs that everyone loves in favor of something a little less mainstream - and they’re always the most annoying people at the party. There’s a reason why everyone loves The Godfather. There’s a reason why everyone loves Bohemian Rhapsody. And there’s a reason why everyone loves a vanilla latte with soy. Because they’re classics, staples of the culture, undeniably exceptional. There’s no need to be trendy and deny greatness just because you think it's cool. Just embrace the greatness society has presented us without using it as a way to assert your individuality.
But above all, Jo likes ordering drinks that challenge my ability as a copywriter. How am I supposed to think of something funny to write about a vanilla latte? How am I supposed to cast some sardonic pseudo-psychoanalysis about a drink that everyone loves? But you know what, I respect it, genuinely. That’s why you’re the boss. Because you see the potential in everyone and challenge them to pursue excellence where others wouldn’t see the opportunity for any.
What we will say is that Jo’s order does stand out because of the size - her ordering a Venti rather than the standard office Grande. Most of us need our Starbucks orders. Jo NEEDS her Starbucks order.
Cat - Cinnamon Soy Latte
Cat is a fan of design, her puppy dog Skully, and Academy Award-winning actress Sandra Bullock. So much so that her drink of choice from Starbucks is the same drink that Sandra Bullock’s character in The Proposal loved. But who wouldn’t love Sandra Bullock so much that they mimicked their behavior based on her fictional drink choices? It’s not Cat’s fault that Margaret Tate had impeccable taste in warm coffee beverages. Or that The Proposal figured out the best way to represent the holiday season in one drink.
This is the kind of drink you order when you have a borderline reckless obsession with either cinema, Christmas time, or both. But you know what? Neither is a bad thing to fixate on. And we think it's pretty neat that you wear your passions on your sleeve. In a world where people are shy about what interests them, we say keep ordering your reference to that late 2000s Rom-Com and keep loving life.
Caely - Drip Coffee with Vanilla Cold Foam
Coffee was popularized in Europe in the 17th century, and though it’s evolved plenty in the years that have followed, Caely knows that some things are just better in their original, simplest form. The greatest minds of the 17th century, Galileo, Isaac Newton, all of them drank their coffee without the lavish additives we’re so accustomed to today. And if coffee without the extra junk is good enough for them, it’s good enough for Caely.
Oh, you get your coffee with extravagant syrups and sugars? How quaint. I guess none of that appeals to Caely. I guess Caely’s palate is just a tad more refined than the average person’s.
With that said, maybe standard drip coffee leaves a little bit of space for improvement. Even if Caely doesn’t need much of anything over-the-top to be happy, she’s got a great eye for small details that can make a big difference. Perhaps coffee additions or edits are frivolous, but the vanilla sweet cream cold foam doesn’t count - that’s just a little taste of heaven. We feel Galileo would approve.
Brady - White Chocolate Mocha with Whipped Cream
The message here is that the only thing better in the morning than caffeine is a ludicrous amount of sugar and syrup. The white chocolate mocha with whipped cream might not be “Christmas in a cup” the same way that the cinnamon soy latte is, but the profound sugar content gives an undeniable ‘Buddy The Elf’ vibe - which is as big a personality match for Brady as it is a match in flavor preferences.
Brady is the kind of person who needs a little treat to cope with the mildest of mild inconveniences or even to propel what’s been a pretty solid day to greater heights. Is it the healthiest or most practical option available at Starbucks? No. But you know what we say to that? Live fast, die young.
If this is your order too, you’re either happy ignoring trend chasing and sticking with what you know works, or you’re so afraid of accidentally asking for a drink that doesn’t exist and looking like a fool in front of the baristas that you stick with the handful of options listed on the written menu. Regardless, just because you’re self-indulgent to a fault, it doesn’t mean you’ll sacrifice your comfort for extravagance. You operate firmly within your own universe and fill that universe with sweet treats that allow you to stay in your lane.
Grace - Strawberry Acai Refresher with Light Ice and One Matcha Scoop
The best things in life come in green, even if they’re not supposed to be green. The standard strawberry acai refresher with light ice from Starbucks is supposed to look bright pink, but that’s no fun. What is fun is adding a scoop of matcha powder to your drink to make it look like it was scooped straight from the swamp. It’s why Grace lovingly refers to her drink of choice as “Swamp Water.”
Life shouldn’t be so serious all the time. Something like a drink order shouldn’t be so absent of joy or whimsy. Rather, Grace sees the world and its occasional drink orders less as a requirement and more as the opportunity for one big Shrek reference.
Grace loves a good joke. And if she spots the opportunity to do something funny, she’s going to take it. Does the strawberry acai refresher with light ice and a scoop of matcha also taste good? None of us are too sure, actually. But that’s not the point. The point is that it looks like it came from a swamp, and that’s worth its weight in gold.
With all that said, it would be unfair to psychoanalyze Grace purely on her Starbucks order. She has multitudes. Layers, even. Like an onion. Or something else.
Lucy - One Lick of a Full Pup Cup
As of writing this in February 2024, there aren’t many coffee or tea options accessible for dogs. This puts Lucy at a disadvantage, given that the one option she does have, the Pup Cup, doesn’t really appeal to her. The excitement might be there at first, but after the first lick, she remembers pretty quickly that she doesn’t much care for the Pup Cup.
But it’s not about the order as much as it is about the attention. Why should the humans get their fancy coffee drinks while Lucy gets nothing? Does Lucy actually want a pup cup? We don’t see the relevance of that inquiry. Lucy wants to be treated as a peer, and when the rest of the group is getting coffee, she should get something too - regardless of whether or not she actually wants it.
Skully - A Full Pup Cup in One Second
Lucy might not want her Pup Cup, but Skully wants his more than he’s ever wanted anything in his entire life. Either that, or the voices are warning him that everyone in the area wants to take it right from his paws if he can’t finish it fast enough. Why else would he down the whole thing in a second flat?
They are out to get you and your Pup Cup, Skully. Finish it as fast as physically possible and don’t give them the chance to steal what belongs to you. Finish it as fast as you can provided they didn’t also give you a dog biscuit, of course. We both know your sensitive stomach can’t handle those and that you’ll just end up pooping more than anyone wants to see.
